Second Date

Good morning. Well, i think it's a good morning, at any rate. Today i'm practicing Blogging in the morning. In theroy everything will be future tense (or present tense) instead of past tense.

Anyway, in the continuing saga of Romance, Ruby wants to go to the waterpark here in Ames. An impromptu second date, I suppose. We'll see. since the rain stopped it's been packed ear-to-shoulder.We shall see.

An unrelated note, Blogging is a curious anima. I woke up at 10 this morning. truthfully, I lay awake unable to move from bed. Staring at the ceiling for hours until Pepper persuaded my that better things waited for me. I ate a quick meal of milk and rice-cearal. I wrote a note to the world belaying my issues, my thoughts and such. I thought it posted. In fact i forgot. So here I am now, struggling to regain that emotion. No. Instead hollow expesition. Esspecially considering we've missed the opening for the waterpark. she stood me up? I could never think too ill of Ruby. I'm sure her crumby job demanded her time. Moreover, I've taken to editing older entries. always adding REVISION to the tag line. But it seems a cheat; to change one's words. Alter emotion and expression. No novel i've known has published without editing, revision, rewriting. So why does it bother me so? Facebook allows us to delete comments made, connection with others, activities... what have you. Meeby I feel concerned about how false a vale it seems. like hitting F6 and F9 when you fuckup. You can't take back what's been said face-to-face. But the tools are in place here, online, to do just that. How can we hold honest discourse when i can alter my opinion post-humorously? For example this is the third entry i've entered after losing the content the first two times.

It's not been a good day.

first date (again)

This morning i did something new. rather something i've not done in years. I took a bike ride. It was amazing. Specaular even. I rode along a deer-trail that snaked the Skunk River. Plus three hours exploring Ames on the back of  two wheels. It gave me some time to think. it also wore my unexercised ass out. So I'll give you the condensed version.

Basicly i sat down with Ruby and professed the awkwardness of our perdiciment. I still had strong feelings about her. I beleive she still feels connected to me as well. I suggested that it might help if we restarted our relationship. A reboot. This evening we went to a movie. A first date that ended with a kiss and a promise of another.

I don't know what all this means. Or if we still have a future. I am not a confindent person. I don't have a strong voice. When i speak i'm often (and easily) over spoken which hurts my esteem. I'm distracted easily and more easily diswaded and disheartened. I seem to causuly accept the misfortunes in my life rather then. face them in order to over come them. I intend to work on these (and other, negitive) aspects of myself.

A honestness is about us. one that lets us tell without fear worries and conserns we have for eachother. Distance seems to help. Though she is feet -no inches- away, I still miss her.

I'll prolly edit this post tomorrow when i Re-awaken. I hope to start posting more in the mornings rather then at night.

thanks for reading.
and the continued discretion of Ruby's and my choices of our life.

Time

Today. long-time girlfriend and i have separated. She suggested it timidly. Explaining the thoughts that gnawed in the back of her mind. I listened. I took in her words without remorse or affliction. In the end we agreed that we each felt like two half persons.  I felt, too, that I needed to grow as an individual. It was agreed upon that it was imperative for us to separate in order for us to proceed with our development individually.

I care a great deal for Ruby. As a friend. As a lover. As a person. But did I debate her? beg against her deepest thoughts? ranted? raved? confessed my heart over and over? no. I simply let it come with silent patience like a man watching a gathering storm. should I have? Would it change her beliefs? or mine?

Empathy is not my strong suit. I feel (ha) like i should be broken up about this break-up. Perhaps in the back of my mind I know it is a trial. Or in the not-so-far back of my mind as we are still living together (did i mention it was a trial separation?). I also feel terrible for not feeling poorly about it all. Ruby seems to be more of the mind set of one-who's-newly-single.

In order for one to grow, I've always believed one must face tribulations life.

I know many of you readers (if not, all) are mutual friends of ours. Ruby has requested not to inform others (yet) - she wishes to avoid any (outside) drama. so please do not make a big deal of this and please do not inform the public.

-marcus

words of wisdom

Looking for someplace to masturbate. -Ancient proverb meaning "spiritually lost"

His life is dripping away like wine from the bottle. Where does the dream go when his is awakened? to stubble surly on a wheel. Over and over. A rat with no place to go. The bottle returns full again to it he does. Presently at peace. by and by empty once more.
once more, bartender, once more.

three daze

Too often, I think, do these post start with 'I.' With the woes of the world, it grows increasingly difficult to convince myself that my own problems are of worth writing. A good friend of mine, who is mostly likely reading this, has returned to places far away to meet problems face-to-puffing-face. I admire him greatly. He has a great many things i never had: troubles. I know that I've lived a sweet life. (still do.) But should i be needed to be called on for the necessities he must face, i doubt i could rise to the occasion. My strength lie in leisure (i'm not so sure i should say 'strength'). Then with other, further reaching troubles of the uncared masses besiege me. From the morning news of death, tragedy and disaster, of poor of sick of sorrow. The maladies family overcry what little i have to complain. the fact that i have things alone to complain about should not be over looked when considering the absolute loss of those who would throw themselves C4 first into death's unforgiving grayness (perhaps at the cause of some-such or another; though i think they've lost so much they see little recourse).

Last week I found myself unable to move from the bed in mornings. Paralyzed perhaps. Where before, eagerly i leapt from slumber to see each new day, recently I only wish to return to my dreamless purgatory. But last Sunday was different. I forced heavy limbs and moved to greet morning light (a pay check in need of cashing was of no little aid). I awoke with the birds and met the day. In impulse I whisked Ruby to a theme-park (Adventureland) where our bottled stress uncorked with cries of eager delight and fear as i faced mine: Rollercoasters.

Yes, dear reader, I've long had a knee weakening fear of metal tracks twisting and winding clamorously, tearing even, through an amusement-park. We started slow: the merry-go-round, ferris wheel, some big pirate themed swing-a-majig, the inverter, then my first big challenge: the space shot. Basically a chair attached to a massive pneumatic piston that flung the passengers a bunch of stories skyward with a nasty hiss of air. it is not heights or speed or motion that bother me about 'rides'. rather the unnatural, awkward method they arrive to get you there. When you're driving or on your bike or climbing trees you're incomplete control of your motion. at least to some extent you can choose to continue or stop (though cases arrive where you are committed to an action, say an abnormally large hill or lost hand-hold).

In reality, the effects of simulated motion are not nearly as jarring as they would appear. In fact it was quite liberating - invigorating if you will. I loved it.  We rode everything once then returned to some choice favorites through the day. I suggest The Outlaw at Adventureland. It has no inversions or loops, but steep curves and tall, tight, twisting hills blended within it's compact structure make it an intense ride.

but the day didn't truly take to whimsical flight until a sudden shower lifted our sun-dampened spirits. Actually, it drove most off the fun and into shelter or fleeing from the park. But we would not be deterred. truth is, everything is better in a summer rain. from coasters to swings. Also, the park's patrons dried up to keep wait times down. With camera at hand many moments were captured of this triumphant day though many more can only be shared in memory.

Future Plans

I've been speaking of myself a lot lately but not of my actions. I'm focused on my immediate future currently. I haven't made any long term goals. Not really, to publish a book, write some articles, become more involved in academic discussions in a serious way.  I have a college degree in English. That gives me the tools (both creative and analytical) to write, intelligently, about what ever I wish. Which is great, but I haven't found a subject that grips my attention. So, I'm going back to college. I enrolled as an undergraduate at the local college (ISU in Ames). I plan the study something and write about it. I will write what I study.

In the mean time, a great clamor has arose around me. I obtained a bright new (to me) desk and work table. My roomie and I are in the mist of their arrival's aftermath. papers and decor festoon the floors and hallways. the ever-present threat of dishes and laundry loom in the corners bringing shadows to productivity. Ants in growing number seek the spoils of mess. A battle against too worn closes rages with the sweat of summer days. So much to do and pretend to do.

Of which, the most important lies in the continued scrawling of a late-night reader. while usual state of affairs pushed me to post in the latenight/earlymorning hours, I seek to snuff my candle's vigil for sunlit tales. Additionally, I intent to reignite the stories of Mr. Wordy. with any luck and no small sudor a third of what is planned with come to success. Perhaps even plans them selves will be made.