Music 5/17/11

After along Hiatus. I'm back. And back to this month of music.

So where were we?
day 07 - a song that reminds you of a certain event

input Song here

It was christmas time. Perhaps not, but that's how i'll always remember it. and even if it wasn't then, it is now. We joined together, the five of us. Our glasses filled our heads over flowing on sweet ambrosia. It steamed in a cauldron, rich anise and cinnamon spice. Exquisite. I recall egg rolls. I don't even like egg rolls. A failed prank call to a place called Egg Roll House resulted in an abundance of egg rolls. Pizza too. both eaten hardily. Between bites smiling teeth and laughter. They were like pizza. I remember that, too. And pictionary and the orange kitten, Kiseki, and the longest fucking Game of Life. EVER! I am short and scrawny. He is a large man in bulk and body. A mountainous delight, the huggable ball of grump, he is Sabi. I am Marcus. Hope, too, was small than he; though she was greater in spirit - next to her, Dionysus seems mild. Ruby, graceful Ruby, our brew-master and masterful beauty reigned the cups and kept us full. Also Bob was there.

I'm not sure why - No. I know why. I hear this song that night for the first time. I heard others as well. Though it is/was this one that stuck: Night Must End - Sleeping at Last

It is a glorious song. Beyond my descriptive abilities. Only suggest you to listen and perhaps hear as I. Since that night, this song has stuck with me. It could be sad. It might be glad. I can only tell you this, I feel no sorrow it it's notes. It has been said, "to all good things come an end." I'll suffer a hundred thousand endings without regret.

Le Sigh

This week, for me, has been terrible. I got a staff infection and my face swelled up like a basketball. My computer's mother's turned into charcoal over night. I got fired from Ge-Angelo's. I could go on discussing my woes. So I will.

But whatever issues that occur here, on this blog, are relatively minor compared to the troubles across the world. I simply need a place to vent my frustrations. This wasn't what i had in mind when i started blogging. It's hard to resist the pull to talk about the trifles in one's own life. even as i write this i think about Ruby in Germany baring witness to the slow demise of her Oma. (Oma is German for Grandmother) Oma is a strong hearted person. A stroke has stolen her movement and age sapped her physical strength yet still she trudges on in her life with all the pertinaciousness of a waterbuffalo through impassible swamp. what's more, she does it with good humor and optimism. If we could all be so fortunate.

Back to me, then

I finally lost my job at Ge-Angelo's.

The thing that bothers me the most, I think, about being fired is just the way it happened. I was professional in everything i did. I have kitchen experience. I know how a kitchen needs to run. I wasn't eating on the line like other chefs. I wasn't licking my fingers while plating deserts. I understood the importance of presentation. I washed my hands between each task. I tried to communicate to people, but I'm just not used to yelling. We never had to yell at eachother at Monica's. I'm short, so it's hard to reach the items on the upper shelves where everything i need to do my job seems to be stacked. I tried to get along with the other chefs. I just could not make connections with people. Frankly I felt unliked; I don't think anyone respected me.

I was fired because this the third time Ryan had to talk to me. this time it was about dishes. I cleaned dishes at Monica's and I cleaned dishes at Bagel Beanry and I clean dishes at home. I know how to clean dishes. Hannes and Nick were helping me put dishes away 'cause we got swarmed. They had a responsibility, too, to make sure they were clear of spots and grime before being put away. If there were dirty dishes being put away they were also apart of it. . According to Ryan all the fucking dishes were dirty.I guess because i the designated Dish Monkey it falls to me. I dunno. They weren't dirty when they came out of the sanitizer. Maybe that's broken, Ryan.

Some part of me says I shoulda argued with him. That I shoulda pointed out all the possible problems mentioned above. But i just stood there and listened to him I denied some parts of what he said but I didn't give any strong argument against it. It was the same as the other two times. There were reasons why.

It's hard. You know, you get swamped and it's hard to come up with coherent thought in the moment.

What if I did? What could I gain? Save a job I don't like working for a guy who doesn't like me, always looking for the next chance to fire my ass, no chance for promotion, little opportunity for a raise and no job satisfaction?

At least it would've been a pay check.

I dunno. what bothers me is now i have to look for another job and i don't know if i can use this guy as a reference.

It's just that i feel like every time I try to do something everything goes bad. I went yesterday to get my college stuff in order and i get fired. the day before i cleaned my place and i got a staff infection. My face is swelled up like a basketball. I can't think with out hurting. I tried to transcribe some work from my notebook to my computer for Revisioning and my motherboard turned into charcoal. I'm afraid that if i clean my car the engine's gonna explode.

I can't seem to get away. I wanna tell somebody off. Yell my feelings. I can look 'em in the eye and think it but the words just aren't there.

I miss Ruby. She could put this into perspective.

I fear that she deserves better than me. I feel like I can't provide a lifestyle for her. She deserves more than a shitty place in a shitty town paid for by a shitty part-time job. Someone to be with who can fight for himself. Even if it's about something he doesn't think is that important. Just stand up. Don't take being told your terrible at what you do!

Fuck Ryan! I'm a great chef. I'm an amazing sauteer. I love tossing some pasta or some vegetables. Flavoring things! I love creating dishes that satisfy and challenge the pallet. It doesn't always work out great. hey, cooking is about experimentation. But when it does, yumm!

You know, the first month i worked there i tried to do everything by their (Ryan's) letter, by his law. That didn't work. I got reprimanded for working that way because there is not priority. And he keeps his recipes secrete! How can I make something on the fly if i don't know the ingredients? So then i tried being creative. do it the way i would do it if it were my place. I utilized the skills I developed from previous work experiences. I got reprimanded for that. it wasn't the method he wanted even if the results were the same. So then i said fuckit. I'm just gonna show up and do it and not care and not make it something personal. I got fired for that!

I just don't know anymore.

what's new is old again

I suppose today wasn't as terrible as it could've been.  I arrived to work late and sweaty; prefect for working with 500 degree ovens.I lost the five dollars i put in my pocket for dinner on the long ride from home to work. I was slightly late, just in time to tackle the hundered and ten dishes left from the previous night (i guess Ge-angelo's was busy last night). I don't even like eating off dishes. We had a fair night so i got to stay an hour late to clean up too. In addition, My teeth have been hurting, a more constiant reminder of my need for medical care. Fortunately, thats an easy fix as i've recently acquired insurance.

I sucked it in and confronted Ruby today as well. point blank I asked her if she loved me. I thought and raved all day and come up with a question i needed answered. I deserve to love someone who loves me back, I said. I am a strong, caplible person with a heart and needs and I need to know what this is. I didn't tell her (at first) that I still loved her. She answered quite slowly. She Answered in the affermitive. I love you, said Ruby. I'm worried, though, she continued, that it is a love of convenience.  Ok that wasn't exactly what she said. But she didn't need to. I can't remember the words to the letter, but basically Ruby feels conserned that we're together not due to Love but ease.

I'm not one who believes in Absolutes. There is a certain definiteness in saying "i love you." A suggestion that it is a love eternal. But how can we say that with assuredness? We are temporal creatures. we think, judge, love, hate, fight, hug all while advancing steadily through time. eventually we (as individuals) will cease to be able to live temporally. we die. no one can say what happens next (i'll cross that bridge when it arrives). Nothing is Absolute, including Love. I don't believe in Absolute Love - in fairytale love that lasts forever. I don't think there is exactly one person -a soul mate- for each other person on this plant. Love doesn't come in couplets (not always, at any rate). Love must be shared, dynamic. Love changes over time; waxes and wanes; it can grow or fade away. You can love some one today one way and love them still ten years later completely differently. don't dispare, though, Love is not fickle. Not mine. I don't know if this is True Love either. I know that when i look at her, my chi, my heart, my being feels relaxed - confident even giddy. (ironically, i think, one of the reasons she is unnerved as open to her every thought and action... i digress)

I won't pretend to know depths of Ruby's mind. She is beautifully complex. I suspect, however, that no small part of her anxiety is, in part, my Bisexuality. She fears (i believe) that because she is the first woman i've been involved with with any seriousness. that I'm only with her because it's easy.

Nothing i do is ever easy. more seriously, Ruby, if your reading, if i wanted easy i would've stayed at my job in Iowa City smoking pot when i wasn't working and never thinking outside the next party. I knew that wasn't the person i wanted to be. I'm seeking to change - to grow.

I don't know what's in the future. but i know i'm glad that you'll be with me, Ruby.

I Love You

first date (again)

This morning i did something new. rather something i've not done in years. I took a bike ride. It was amazing. Specaular even. I rode along a deer-trail that snaked the Skunk River. Plus three hours exploring Ames on the back of  two wheels. It gave me some time to think. it also wore my unexercised ass out. So I'll give you the condensed version.

Basicly i sat down with Ruby and professed the awkwardness of our perdiciment. I still had strong feelings about her. I beleive she still feels connected to me as well. I suggested that it might help if we restarted our relationship. A reboot. This evening we went to a movie. A first date that ended with a kiss and a promise of another.

I don't know what all this means. Or if we still have a future. I am not a confindent person. I don't have a strong voice. When i speak i'm often (and easily) over spoken which hurts my esteem. I'm distracted easily and more easily diswaded and disheartened. I seem to causuly accept the misfortunes in my life rather then. face them in order to over come them. I intend to work on these (and other, negitive) aspects of myself.

A honestness is about us. one that lets us tell without fear worries and conserns we have for eachother. Distance seems to help. Though she is feet -no inches- away, I still miss her.

I'll prolly edit this post tomorrow when i Re-awaken. I hope to start posting more in the mornings rather then at night.

thanks for reading.
and the continued discretion of Ruby's and my choices of our life.

Time

Today. long-time girlfriend and i have separated. She suggested it timidly. Explaining the thoughts that gnawed in the back of her mind. I listened. I took in her words without remorse or affliction. In the end we agreed that we each felt like two half persons.  I felt, too, that I needed to grow as an individual. It was agreed upon that it was imperative for us to separate in order for us to proceed with our development individually.

I care a great deal for Ruby. As a friend. As a lover. As a person. But did I debate her? beg against her deepest thoughts? ranted? raved? confessed my heart over and over? no. I simply let it come with silent patience like a man watching a gathering storm. should I have? Would it change her beliefs? or mine?

Empathy is not my strong suit. I feel (ha) like i should be broken up about this break-up. Perhaps in the back of my mind I know it is a trial. Or in the not-so-far back of my mind as we are still living together (did i mention it was a trial separation?). I also feel terrible for not feeling poorly about it all. Ruby seems to be more of the mind set of one-who's-newly-single.

In order for one to grow, I've always believed one must face tribulations life.

I know many of you readers (if not, all) are mutual friends of ours. Ruby has requested not to inform others (yet) - she wishes to avoid any (outside) drama. so please do not make a big deal of this and please do not inform the public.

-marcus

three daze

Too often, I think, do these post start with 'I.' With the woes of the world, it grows increasingly difficult to convince myself that my own problems are of worth writing. A good friend of mine, who is mostly likely reading this, has returned to places far away to meet problems face-to-puffing-face. I admire him greatly. He has a great many things i never had: troubles. I know that I've lived a sweet life. (still do.) But should i be needed to be called on for the necessities he must face, i doubt i could rise to the occasion. My strength lie in leisure (i'm not so sure i should say 'strength'). Then with other, further reaching troubles of the uncared masses besiege me. From the morning news of death, tragedy and disaster, of poor of sick of sorrow. The maladies family overcry what little i have to complain. the fact that i have things alone to complain about should not be over looked when considering the absolute loss of those who would throw themselves C4 first into death's unforgiving grayness (perhaps at the cause of some-such or another; though i think they've lost so much they see little recourse).

Last week I found myself unable to move from the bed in mornings. Paralyzed perhaps. Where before, eagerly i leapt from slumber to see each new day, recently I only wish to return to my dreamless purgatory. But last Sunday was different. I forced heavy limbs and moved to greet morning light (a pay check in need of cashing was of no little aid). I awoke with the birds and met the day. In impulse I whisked Ruby to a theme-park (Adventureland) where our bottled stress uncorked with cries of eager delight and fear as i faced mine: Rollercoasters.

Yes, dear reader, I've long had a knee weakening fear of metal tracks twisting and winding clamorously, tearing even, through an amusement-park. We started slow: the merry-go-round, ferris wheel, some big pirate themed swing-a-majig, the inverter, then my first big challenge: the space shot. Basically a chair attached to a massive pneumatic piston that flung the passengers a bunch of stories skyward with a nasty hiss of air. it is not heights or speed or motion that bother me about 'rides'. rather the unnatural, awkward method they arrive to get you there. When you're driving or on your bike or climbing trees you're incomplete control of your motion. at least to some extent you can choose to continue or stop (though cases arrive where you are committed to an action, say an abnormally large hill or lost hand-hold).

In reality, the effects of simulated motion are not nearly as jarring as they would appear. In fact it was quite liberating - invigorating if you will. I loved it.  We rode everything once then returned to some choice favorites through the day. I suggest The Outlaw at Adventureland. It has no inversions or loops, but steep curves and tall, tight, twisting hills blended within it's compact structure make it an intense ride.

but the day didn't truly take to whimsical flight until a sudden shower lifted our sun-dampened spirits. Actually, it drove most off the fun and into shelter or fleeing from the park. But we would not be deterred. truth is, everything is better in a summer rain. from coasters to swings. Also, the park's patrons dried up to keep wait times down. With camera at hand many moments were captured of this triumphant day though many more can only be shared in memory.

FCBD

Free Comic Book Day was a blast!
I got all sorts of neat trinkie junk. Wolverine showed me the newest heroclixes and I got to read the newest adventures of Mouseguard and Fraggle rock. of course marvel was in fullest gear with a new release of avengers Iron Man and Thor tag-teaming. Iron Man and Spiderman also debuted new stories lines.

Seeing as I didn't mad-gab every available free book in the store, I call only recall poorly what other comics were available. Artifacts (which wasn't terribly interesting though did show some gratuitous leg shots of it's sexy heroine), Fractured Fables looked curious, Radical also previewed a series of new stories of the dead and dark, and the Simpsons as well in papered form (go comic-book guy).

All in all it was a fanatisic début to the world of graphic novels. For me, I did find myself a new venture. Chip, the story of a 4inch gargoyle who wishes to prove that, despite being short and cute, he can be fierce and scary. a struggle i can relate to. I'm also increasingly interested in Deadpool.

Ruby was not quite as enthused by FCBD as I

So, My girlfriend is by far the greatest distraction against me.
a while ago i mentioned that i oft felt a malevolent force. a sort of anti-muse. it inhabaits the innocent as well as the sinful. Unfortunately, anti-muse may be a poor name, as my anti-muse this evening involved creating a pillow th
rough the craft of seamstering

I'd meant to finish a alternitive adventure i've been writing.
I got this far:

The Illaid II drifted lazily through space. if one could call one fourh the speed of light "lazy." Fred kicked the fuel sensor with a boot and frowned. so little radium left. and so little time. 13 hours to earth. Fredrick's hand paused over the thrusters. he could speed up but what about slowing down? if he hadn't calculated right the Iliad II might not have any fuel to decalratee with, he thought. Fredrick pulled a bag of tobaccofrom his pocket and begand rolling a cigarette. No easy task in zero G. He was fast. Fast enough that no leafy flecks escaped his twisting fingers (at least not more then the enviromental systems couldn't handle.) he smiled wryly.

nevertheless, i'll shall plug away.

In other news, Dell's piece (the one piece to rule them all) did not fix my issues. So i get to deal with that dedcol.

manana, world

-marucs