I s'pose i need to make a blog post. I was actually looking forward to it. But I'm tired and i promised my self i would finish my Writing exercizes for the post man on the marrow. And i'm getting swore.
Promised updates soon
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
these days
To start, I'd like to thank all the people who let me know that I am cared for.
Like a wayward vessel upon an unforgiving sea, I was tossed about. In my truculent turmoil, I may have mentioned, like a captain far gone on rum, feelings about my relationship(s) that, now in sobriety, I realize now to be ridiculous. But it reveals in me an underlining self doubt. Because of this overly-adventurous-June, my thoughts have dwelled on Ruby and Me much longer then normal. Ruby is far, far less shallow then i gave her credit for in my previous post. She loves me, I am sure, as much as I love her. And our love is no fickle thing. ( understand that is not how i felt in the moment). Ruby is a bundle of passion. She taught me the function of emotions likes I've never thought could be expressed. In her absence, well, like being lost in the southern hemisphere, I could not chart the stars above.
I've thrown out (stowed, actually) those useless charts and struck out with renewed vigor. I rallied my remnant crew. we have faced a great ship-of-war and lost. We've been tossed around and dead-set with disease. Rickets and scurvy have sapped our spirits; yet, to travel on is a must. for that simple act to endure is to seek freedom. to continue on despite all opposition.
To survive is not enough. In this weekend i visited many friends. I bore witness to the lives these people, all brilliant and intelligent minds, had carved. Some seeking -something- they could not yet define. Others unable to dream greatly for burdens of surviving blinded them to potential. I can no longer be a part of the latter. I see know why, almost automatically, I worked. Because i did lose something: Ambition. My dream deferred (i hope i can use that term without sounding disingenuous) by my own hand. Yet, at the same actions I began (unconsciously) to alter my coarse.These strange waters in which i sail made have brought more than misfortune; they brought new, unexplored challenges. islands of unknown riches and people. New foes to share the thrill of piracy.
All adds to the color of my canvass.
Again, I must give special thanks to Jizzy (Jessica "Jizzy" Smith) for convincing me to seek out shipmates. Even now i see a light piercing the black horizon; star. Deneb. Hoist the sails, we make for the southern line. To every night a dawn.
I know it is cliche, but I feel it appropriate. After all, cliches gained notoriety for no insignificant reason.
-Marcus
Like a wayward vessel upon an unforgiving sea, I was tossed about. In my truculent turmoil, I may have mentioned, like a captain far gone on rum, feelings about my relationship(s) that, now in sobriety, I realize now to be ridiculous. But it reveals in me an underlining self doubt. Because of this overly-adventurous-June, my thoughts have dwelled on Ruby and Me much longer then normal. Ruby is far, far less shallow then i gave her credit for in my previous post. She loves me, I am sure, as much as I love her. And our love is no fickle thing. ( understand that is not how i felt in the moment). Ruby is a bundle of passion. She taught me the function of emotions likes I've never thought could be expressed. In her absence, well, like being lost in the southern hemisphere, I could not chart the stars above.
I've thrown out (stowed, actually) those useless charts and struck out with renewed vigor. I rallied my remnant crew. we have faced a great ship-of-war and lost. We've been tossed around and dead-set with disease. Rickets and scurvy have sapped our spirits; yet, to travel on is a must. for that simple act to endure is to seek freedom. to continue on despite all opposition.
To survive is not enough. In this weekend i visited many friends. I bore witness to the lives these people, all brilliant and intelligent minds, had carved. Some seeking -something- they could not yet define. Others unable to dream greatly for burdens of surviving blinded them to potential. I can no longer be a part of the latter. I see know why, almost automatically, I worked. Because i did lose something: Ambition. My dream deferred (i hope i can use that term without sounding disingenuous) by my own hand. Yet, at the same actions I began (unconsciously) to alter my coarse.These strange waters in which i sail made have brought more than misfortune; they brought new, unexplored challenges. islands of unknown riches and people. New foes to share the thrill of piracy.
All adds to the color of my canvass.
Again, I must give special thanks to Jizzy (Jessica "Jizzy" Smith) for convincing me to seek out shipmates. Even now i see a light piercing the black horizon; star. Deneb. Hoist the sails, we make for the southern line. To every night a dawn.
I know it is cliche, but I feel it appropriate. After all, cliches gained notoriety for no insignificant reason.
-Marcus
Friday, June 25, 2010
Le Sigh
This week, for me, has been terrible. I got a staff infection and my face swelled up like a basketball. My computer's mother's turned into charcoal over night. I got fired from Ge-Angelo's. I could go on discussing my woes. So I will.
But whatever issues that occur here, on this blog, are relatively minor compared to the troubles across the world. I simply need a place to vent my frustrations. This wasn't what i had in mind when i started blogging. It's hard to resist the pull to talk about the trifles in one's own life. even as i write this i think about Ruby in Germany baring witness to the slow demise of her Oma. (Oma is German for Grandmother) Oma is a strong hearted person. A stroke has stolen her movement and age sapped her physical strength yet still she trudges on in her life with all the pertinaciousness of a waterbuffalo through impassible swamp. what's more, she does it with good humor and optimism. If we could all be so fortunate.
Back to me, then
I finally lost my job at Ge-Angelo's.
The thing that bothers me the most, I think, about being fired is just the way it happened. I was professional in everything i did. I have kitchen experience. I know how a kitchen needs to run. I wasn't eating on the line like other chefs. I wasn't licking my fingers while plating deserts. I understood the importance of presentation. I washed my hands between each task. I tried to communicate to people, but I'm just not used to yelling. We never had to yell at eachother at Monica's. I'm short, so it's hard to reach the items on the upper shelves where everything i need to do my job seems to be stacked. I tried to get along with the other chefs. I just could not make connections with people. Frankly I felt unliked; I don't think anyone respected me.
I was fired because this the third time Ryan had to talk to me. this time it was about dishes. I cleaned dishes at Monica's and I cleaned dishes at Bagel Beanry and I clean dishes at home. I know how to clean dishes. Hannes and Nick were helping me put dishes away 'cause we got swarmed. They had a responsibility, too, to make sure they were clear of spots and grime before being put away. If there were dirty dishes being put away they were also apart of it. . According to Ryan all the fucking dishes were dirty.I guess because i the designated Dish Monkey it falls to me. I dunno. They weren't dirty when they came out of the sanitizer. Maybe that's broken, Ryan.
Some part of me says I shoulda argued with him. That I shoulda pointed out all the possible problems mentioned above. But i just stood there and listened to him I denied some parts of what he said but I didn't give any strong argument against it. It was the same as the other two times. There were reasons why.
It's hard. You know, you get swamped and it's hard to come up with coherent thought in the moment.
What if I did? What could I gain? Save a job I don't like working for a guy who doesn't like me, always looking for the next chance to fire my ass, no chance for promotion, little opportunity for a raise and no job satisfaction?
At least it would've been a pay check.
I dunno. what bothers me is now i have to look for another job and i don't know if i can use this guy as a reference.
It's just that i feel like every time I try to do something everything goes bad. I went yesterday to get my college stuff in order and i get fired. the day before i cleaned my place and i got a staff infection. My face is swelled up like a basketball. I can't think with out hurting. I tried to transcribe some work from my notebook to my computer for Revisioning and my motherboard turned into charcoal. I'm afraid that if i clean my car the engine's gonna explode.
I can't seem to get away. I wanna tell somebody off. Yell my feelings. I can look 'em in the eye and think it but the words just aren't there.
I miss Ruby. She could put this into perspective.
I fear that she deserves better than me. I feel like I can't provide a lifestyle for her. She deserves more than a shitty place in a shitty town paid for by a shitty part-time job. Someone to be with who can fight for himself. Even if it's about something he doesn't think is that important. Just stand up. Don't take being told your terrible at what you do!
Fuck Ryan! I'm a great chef. I'm an amazing sauteer. I love tossing some pasta or some vegetables. Flavoring things! I love creating dishes that satisfy and challenge the pallet. It doesn't always work out great. hey, cooking is about experimentation. But when it does, yumm!
You know, the first month i worked there i tried to do everything by their (Ryan's) letter, by his law. That didn't work. I got reprimanded for working that way because there is not priority. And he keeps his recipes secrete! How can I make something on the fly if i don't know the ingredients? So then i tried being creative. do it the way i would do it if it were my place. I utilized the skills I developed from previous work experiences. I got reprimanded for that. it wasn't the method he wanted even if the results were the same. So then i said fuckit. I'm just gonna show up and do it and not care and not make it something personal. I got fired for that!
I just don't know anymore.
But whatever issues that occur here, on this blog, are relatively minor compared to the troubles across the world. I simply need a place to vent my frustrations. This wasn't what i had in mind when i started blogging. It's hard to resist the pull to talk about the trifles in one's own life. even as i write this i think about Ruby in Germany baring witness to the slow demise of her Oma. (Oma is German for Grandmother) Oma is a strong hearted person. A stroke has stolen her movement and age sapped her physical strength yet still she trudges on in her life with all the pertinaciousness of a waterbuffalo through impassible swamp. what's more, she does it with good humor and optimism. If we could all be so fortunate.
Back to me, then
I finally lost my job at Ge-Angelo's.
The thing that bothers me the most, I think, about being fired is just the way it happened. I was professional in everything i did. I have kitchen experience. I know how a kitchen needs to run. I wasn't eating on the line like other chefs. I wasn't licking my fingers while plating deserts. I understood the importance of presentation. I washed my hands between each task. I tried to communicate to people, but I'm just not used to yelling. We never had to yell at eachother at Monica's. I'm short, so it's hard to reach the items on the upper shelves where everything i need to do my job seems to be stacked. I tried to get along with the other chefs. I just could not make connections with people. Frankly I felt unliked; I don't think anyone respected me.
I was fired because this the third time Ryan had to talk to me. this time it was about dishes. I cleaned dishes at Monica's and I cleaned dishes at Bagel Beanry and I clean dishes at home. I know how to clean dishes. Hannes and Nick were helping me put dishes away 'cause we got swarmed. They had a responsibility, too, to make sure they were clear of spots and grime before being put away. If there were dirty dishes being put away they were also apart of it. . According to Ryan all the fucking dishes were dirty.I guess because i the designated Dish Monkey it falls to me. I dunno. They weren't dirty when they came out of the sanitizer. Maybe that's broken, Ryan.
Some part of me says I shoulda argued with him. That I shoulda pointed out all the possible problems mentioned above. But i just stood there and listened to him I denied some parts of what he said but I didn't give any strong argument against it. It was the same as the other two times. There were reasons why.
It's hard. You know, you get swamped and it's hard to come up with coherent thought in the moment.
What if I did? What could I gain? Save a job I don't like working for a guy who doesn't like me, always looking for the next chance to fire my ass, no chance for promotion, little opportunity for a raise and no job satisfaction?
At least it would've been a pay check.
I dunno. what bothers me is now i have to look for another job and i don't know if i can use this guy as a reference.
It's just that i feel like every time I try to do something everything goes bad. I went yesterday to get my college stuff in order and i get fired. the day before i cleaned my place and i got a staff infection. My face is swelled up like a basketball. I can't think with out hurting. I tried to transcribe some work from my notebook to my computer for Revisioning and my motherboard turned into charcoal. I'm afraid that if i clean my car the engine's gonna explode.
I can't seem to get away. I wanna tell somebody off. Yell my feelings. I can look 'em in the eye and think it but the words just aren't there.
I miss Ruby. She could put this into perspective.
I fear that she deserves better than me. I feel like I can't provide a lifestyle for her. She deserves more than a shitty place in a shitty town paid for by a shitty part-time job. Someone to be with who can fight for himself. Even if it's about something he doesn't think is that important. Just stand up. Don't take being told your terrible at what you do!
Fuck Ryan! I'm a great chef. I'm an amazing sauteer. I love tossing some pasta or some vegetables. Flavoring things! I love creating dishes that satisfy and challenge the pallet. It doesn't always work out great. hey, cooking is about experimentation. But when it does, yumm!
You know, the first month i worked there i tried to do everything by their (Ryan's) letter, by his law. That didn't work. I got reprimanded for working that way because there is not priority. And he keeps his recipes secrete! How can I make something on the fly if i don't know the ingredients? So then i tried being creative. do it the way i would do it if it were my place. I utilized the skills I developed from previous work experiences. I got reprimanded for that. it wasn't the method he wanted even if the results were the same. So then i said fuckit. I'm just gonna show up and do it and not care and not make it something personal. I got fired for that!
I just don't know anymore.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
ima gonna throw this down first
I started today in Des Moines. I saw Ruby off to Germany. She is of on her own adventureyou can check her her Blog @ http://brightorangethread.blogspot.com/
I am going to miss her. But in her absence, I've decided. No, Decreed that I WILL BE PRODUCTIVE!
on the way to home i began a list. A list to organize my daily schedule. I wrote the list as soon as i was home.
Then i decided to drink.
Nothing else got done.
But i did have fun being shit-faced with the cat.
Tomorrow, productivity!
I am going to miss her. But in her absence, I've decided. No, Decreed that I WILL BE PRODUCTIVE!
on the way to home i began a list. A list to organize my daily schedule. I wrote the list as soon as i was home.
Nothing else got done.
But i did have fun being shit-faced with the cat.
Tomorrow, productivity!
Monday, June 21, 2010
back to monday
all yesterday i sat, staring at this empty blog space trying to think of something to share. I s'pose it's harder to be interesting when things are ...good. So i'll talk about someone else for a change.
Pepperchan almost caught herself a rabbit yesterday.
A juvenal bunny hopping playfully among clover and violets. He pauses once in every skip to sniff the air and nibble some grass. A warm breeze rolls through the grass. A dark shape emerges so slowly; slipping like a shadow towards it's unsuspecting prey. She stops. He stops. no longer does the air feel quite so warm. An odd chill. He looks up to see if a cloud has past overhead. In the clear sky the afternoon sun hangs above the leafy branches of a walnut tree but a shadow on the ground. Grass forgotten he slowly, ever so slowly for to do otherwise was to invite the specter closer, he looks across the grass. Still too young, too small to see over the long tufts of green. For an instant, even the wind holds it's breath.She is inches from him now. A paw's swipe. Run. He bonds away. She leaps to where he was. Flying dirt, pebbles and grass she takes chase. it is over in seconds. though every movement every action is like a choreographed dance. A kabuto. They waltz through tall grass, zig-zagging clover and around the tree until, finally, when his heart pounds ferociously in his chest, she gives up chase. He is in the middle of a field. Too far from cover to be safe. She paces ten - no six- hops away. A wooden pile of logs invites safety. He breaks for it. She tags playfully behind, tail wagging with delight. She neither closes the distance nor advances until he disappears. When he is gone from sight she retreats; sprinting home to tell her extraordinary tale.
Pepperchan almost caught herself a rabbit yesterday.
A juvenal bunny hopping playfully among clover and violets. He pauses once in every skip to sniff the air and nibble some grass. A warm breeze rolls through the grass. A dark shape emerges so slowly; slipping like a shadow towards it's unsuspecting prey. She stops. He stops. no longer does the air feel quite so warm. An odd chill. He looks up to see if a cloud has past overhead. In the clear sky the afternoon sun hangs above the leafy branches of a walnut tree but a shadow on the ground. Grass forgotten he slowly, ever so slowly for to do otherwise was to invite the specter closer, he looks across the grass. Still too young, too small to see over the long tufts of green. For an instant, even the wind holds it's breath.She is inches from him now. A paw's swipe. Run. He bonds away. She leaps to where he was. Flying dirt, pebbles and grass she takes chase. it is over in seconds. though every movement every action is like a choreographed dance. A kabuto. They waltz through tall grass, zig-zagging clover and around the tree until, finally, when his heart pounds ferociously in his chest, she gives up chase. He is in the middle of a field. Too far from cover to be safe. She paces ten - no six- hops away. A wooden pile of logs invites safety. He breaks for it. She tags playfully behind, tail wagging with delight. She neither closes the distance nor advances until he disappears. When he is gone from sight she retreats; sprinting home to tell her extraordinary tale.
Friday, June 18, 2010
what's new is old again
I suppose today wasn't as terrible as it could've been. I arrived to work late and sweaty; prefect for working with 500 degree ovens.I lost the five dollars i put in my pocket for dinner on the long ride from home to work. I was slightly late, just in time to tackle the hundered and ten dishes left from the previous night (i guess Ge-angelo's was busy last night). I don't even like eating off dishes. We had a fair night so i got to stay an hour late to clean up too. In addition, My teeth have been hurting, a more constiant reminder of my need for medical care. Fortunately, thats an easy fix as i've recently acquired insurance.
I sucked it in and confronted Ruby today as well. point blank I asked her if she loved me. I thought and raved all day and come up with a question i needed answered. I deserve to love someone who loves me back, I said. I am a strong, caplible person with a heart and needs and I need to know what this is. I didn't tell her (at first) that I still loved her. She answered quite slowly. She Answered in the affermitive. I love you, said Ruby. I'm worried, though, she continued, that it is a love of convenience. Ok that wasn't exactly what she said. But she didn't need to. I can't remember the words to the letter, but basically Ruby feels conserned that we're together not due to Love but ease.
I'm not one who believes in Absolutes. There is a certain definiteness in saying "i love you." A suggestion that it is a love eternal. But how can we say that with assuredness? We are temporal creatures. we think, judge, love, hate, fight, hug all while advancing steadily through time. eventually we (as individuals) will cease to be able to live temporally. we die. no one can say what happens next (i'll cross that bridge when it arrives). Nothing is Absolute, including Love. I don't believe in Absolute Love - in fairytale love that lasts forever. I don't think there is exactly one person -a soul mate- for each other person on this plant. Love doesn't come in couplets (not always, at any rate). Love must be shared, dynamic. Love changes over time; waxes and wanes; it can grow or fade away. You can love some one today one way and love them still ten years later completely differently. don't dispare, though, Love is not fickle. Not mine. I don't know if this is True Love either. I know that when i look at her, my chi, my heart, my being feels relaxed - confident even giddy. (ironically, i think, one of the reasons she is unnerved as open to her every thought and action... i digress)
I won't pretend to know depths of Ruby's mind. She is beautifully complex. I suspect, however, that no small part of her anxiety is, in part, my Bisexuality. She fears (i believe) that because she is the first woman i've been involved with with any seriousness. that I'm only with her because it's easy.
Nothing i do is ever easy. more seriously, Ruby, if your reading, if i wanted easy i would've stayed at my job in Iowa City smoking pot when i wasn't working and never thinking outside the next party. I knew that wasn't the person i wanted to be. I'm seeking to change - to grow.
I don't know what's in the future. but i know i'm glad that you'll be with me, Ruby.
I Love You
I sucked it in and confronted Ruby today as well. point blank I asked her if she loved me. I thought and raved all day and come up with a question i needed answered. I deserve to love someone who loves me back, I said. I am a strong, caplible person with a heart and needs and I need to know what this is. I didn't tell her (at first) that I still loved her. She answered quite slowly. She Answered in the affermitive. I love you, said Ruby. I'm worried, though, she continued, that it is a love of convenience. Ok that wasn't exactly what she said. But she didn't need to. I can't remember the words to the letter, but basically Ruby feels conserned that we're together not due to Love but ease.
I'm not one who believes in Absolutes. There is a certain definiteness in saying "i love you." A suggestion that it is a love eternal. But how can we say that with assuredness? We are temporal creatures. we think, judge, love, hate, fight, hug all while advancing steadily through time. eventually we (as individuals) will cease to be able to live temporally. we die. no one can say what happens next (i'll cross that bridge when it arrives). Nothing is Absolute, including Love. I don't believe in Absolute Love - in fairytale love that lasts forever. I don't think there is exactly one person -a soul mate- for each other person on this plant. Love doesn't come in couplets (not always, at any rate). Love must be shared, dynamic. Love changes over time; waxes and wanes; it can grow or fade away. You can love some one today one way and love them still ten years later completely differently. don't dispare, though, Love is not fickle. Not mine. I don't know if this is True Love either. I know that when i look at her, my chi, my heart, my being feels relaxed - confident even giddy. (ironically, i think, one of the reasons she is unnerved as open to her every thought and action... i digress)
I won't pretend to know depths of Ruby's mind. She is beautifully complex. I suspect, however, that no small part of her anxiety is, in part, my Bisexuality. She fears (i believe) that because she is the first woman i've been involved with with any seriousness. that I'm only with her because it's easy.
Nothing i do is ever easy. more seriously, Ruby, if your reading, if i wanted easy i would've stayed at my job in Iowa City smoking pot when i wasn't working and never thinking outside the next party. I knew that wasn't the person i wanted to be. I'm seeking to change - to grow.
I don't know what's in the future. but i know i'm glad that you'll be with me, Ruby.
I Love You
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Second Date
Good morning. Well, i think it's a good morning, at any rate. Today i'm practicing Blogging in the morning. In theroy everything will be future tense (or present tense) instead of past tense.
Anyway, in the continuing saga of Romance, Ruby wants to go to the waterpark here in Ames. An impromptu second date, I suppose. We'll see. since the rain stopped it's been packed ear-to-shoulder.We shall see.
An unrelated note, Blogging is a curious anima. I woke up at 10 this morning. truthfully, I lay awake unable to move from bed. Staring at the ceiling for hours until Pepper persuaded my that better things waited for me. I ate a quick meal of milk and rice-cearal. I wrote a note to the world belaying my issues, my thoughts and such. I thought it posted. In fact i forgot. So here I am now, struggling to regain that emotion. No. Instead hollow expesition. Esspecially considering we've missed the opening for the waterpark. she stood me up? I could never think too ill of Ruby. I'm sure her crumby job demanded her time. Moreover, I've taken to editing older entries. always adding REVISION to the tag line. But it seems a cheat; to change one's words. Alter emotion and expression. No novel i've known has published without editing, revision, rewriting. So why does it bother me so? Facebook allows us to delete comments made, connection with others, activities... what have you. Meeby I feel concerned about how false a vale it seems. like hitting F6 and F9 when you fuckup. You can't take back what's been said face-to-face. But the tools are in place here, online, to do just that. How can we hold honest discourse when i can alter my opinion post-humorously? For example this is the third entry i've entered after losing the content the first two times.
It's not been a good day.
Anyway, in the continuing saga of Romance, Ruby wants to go to the waterpark here in Ames. An impromptu second date, I suppose. We'll see. since the rain stopped it's been packed ear-to-shoulder.We shall see.
An unrelated note, Blogging is a curious anima. I woke up at 10 this morning. truthfully, I lay awake unable to move from bed. Staring at the ceiling for hours until Pepper persuaded my that better things waited for me. I ate a quick meal of milk and rice-cearal. I wrote a note to the world belaying my issues, my thoughts and such. I thought it posted. In fact i forgot. So here I am now, struggling to regain that emotion. No. Instead hollow expesition. Esspecially considering we've missed the opening for the waterpark. she stood me up? I could never think too ill of Ruby. I'm sure her crumby job demanded her time. Moreover, I've taken to editing older entries. always adding REVISION to the tag line. But it seems a cheat; to change one's words. Alter emotion and expression. No novel i've known has published without editing, revision, rewriting. So why does it bother me so? Facebook allows us to delete comments made, connection with others, activities... what have you. Meeby I feel concerned about how false a vale it seems. like hitting F6 and F9 when you fuckup. You can't take back what's been said face-to-face. But the tools are in place here, online, to do just that. How can we hold honest discourse when i can alter my opinion post-humorously? For example this is the third entry i've entered after losing the content the first two times.
It's not been a good day.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
first date (again)
This morning i did something new. rather something i've not done in years. I took a bike ride. It was amazing. Specaular even. I rode along a deer-trail that snaked the Skunk River. Plus three hours exploring Ames on the back of two wheels. It gave me some time to think. it also wore my unexercised ass out. So I'll give you the condensed version.
Basicly i sat down with Ruby and professed the awkwardness of our perdiciment. I still had strong feelings about her. I beleive she still feels connected to me as well. I suggested that it might help if we restarted our relationship. A reboot. This evening we went to a movie. A first date that ended with a kiss and a promise of another.
I don't know what all this means. Or if we still have a future. I am not a confindent person. I don't have a strong voice. When i speak i'm often (and easily) over spoken which hurts my esteem. I'm distracted easily and more easily diswaded and disheartened. I seem to causuly accept the misfortunes in my life rather then. face them in order to over come them. I intend to work on these (and other, negitive) aspects of myself.
A honestness is about us. one that lets us tell without fear worries and conserns we have for eachother. Distance seems to help. Though she is feet -no inches- away, I still miss her.
I'll prolly edit this post tomorrow when i Re-awaken. I hope to start posting more in the mornings rather then at night.
thanks for reading.
and the continued discretion of Ruby's and my choices of our life.
Basicly i sat down with Ruby and professed the awkwardness of our perdiciment. I still had strong feelings about her. I beleive she still feels connected to me as well. I suggested that it might help if we restarted our relationship. A reboot. This evening we went to a movie. A first date that ended with a kiss and a promise of another.
I don't know what all this means. Or if we still have a future. I am not a confindent person. I don't have a strong voice. When i speak i'm often (and easily) over spoken which hurts my esteem. I'm distracted easily and more easily diswaded and disheartened. I seem to causuly accept the misfortunes in my life rather then. face them in order to over come them. I intend to work on these (and other, negitive) aspects of myself.
A honestness is about us. one that lets us tell without fear worries and conserns we have for eachother. Distance seems to help. Though she is feet -no inches- away, I still miss her.
I'll prolly edit this post tomorrow when i Re-awaken. I hope to start posting more in the mornings rather then at night.
thanks for reading.
and the continued discretion of Ruby's and my choices of our life.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Time
Today. long-time girlfriend and i have separated. She suggested it timidly. Explaining the thoughts that gnawed in the back of her mind. I listened. I took in her words without remorse or affliction. In the end we agreed that we each felt like two half persons. I felt, too, that I needed to grow as an individual. It was agreed upon that it was imperative for us to separate in order for us to proceed with our development individually.
I care a great deal for Ruby. As a friend. As a lover. As a person. But did I debate her? beg against her deepest thoughts? ranted? raved? confessed my heart over and over? no. I simply let it come with silent patience like a man watching a gathering storm. should I have? Would it change her beliefs? or mine?
Empathy is not my strong suit. I feel (ha) like i should be broken up about this break-up. Perhaps in the back of my mind I know it is a trial. Or in the not-so-far back of my mind as we are still living together (did i mention it was a trial separation?). I also feel terrible for not feeling poorly about it all. Ruby seems to be more of the mind set of one-who's-newly-single.
In order for one to grow, I've always believed one must face tribulations life.
I know many of you readers (if not, all) are mutual friends of ours. Ruby has requested not to inform others (yet) - she wishes to avoid any (outside) drama. so please do not make a big deal of this and please do not inform the public.
-marcus
I care a great deal for Ruby. As a friend. As a lover. As a person. But did I debate her? beg against her deepest thoughts? ranted? raved? confessed my heart over and over? no. I simply let it come with silent patience like a man watching a gathering storm. should I have? Would it change her beliefs? or mine?
Empathy is not my strong suit. I feel (ha) like i should be broken up about this break-up. Perhaps in the back of my mind I know it is a trial. Or in the not-so-far back of my mind as we are still living together (did i mention it was a trial separation?). I also feel terrible for not feeling poorly about it all. Ruby seems to be more of the mind set of one-who's-newly-single.
In order for one to grow, I've always believed one must face tribulations life.
I know many of you readers (if not, all) are mutual friends of ours. Ruby has requested not to inform others (yet) - she wishes to avoid any (outside) drama. so please do not make a big deal of this and please do not inform the public.
-marcus
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
three daze
Too often, I think, do these post start with 'I.' With the woes of the world, it grows increasingly difficult to convince myself that my own problems are of worth writing. A good friend of mine, who is mostly likely reading this, has returned to places far away to meet problems face-to-puffing-face. I admire him greatly. He has a great many things i never had: troubles. I know that I've lived a sweet life. (still do.) But should i be needed to be called on for the necessities he must face, i doubt i could rise to the occasion. My strength lie in leisure (i'm not so sure i should say 'strength'). Then with other, further reaching troubles of the uncared masses besiege me. From the morning news of death, tragedy and disaster, of poor of sick of sorrow. The maladies family overcry what little i have to complain. the fact that i have things alone to complain about should not be over looked when considering the absolute loss of those who would throw themselves C4 first into death's unforgiving grayness (perhaps at the cause of some-such or another; though i think they've lost so much they see little recourse).
Last week I found myself unable to move from the bed in mornings. Paralyzed perhaps. Where before, eagerly i leapt from slumber to see each new day, recently I only wish to return to my dreamless purgatory. But last Sunday was different. I forced heavy limbs and moved to greet morning light (a pay check in need of cashing was of no little aid). I awoke with the birds and met the day. In impulse I whisked Ruby to a theme-park (Adventureland) where our bottled stress uncorked with cries of eager delight and fear as i faced mine: Rollercoasters.
Yes, dear reader, I've long had a knee weakening fear of metal tracks twisting and winding clamorously, tearing even, through an amusement-park. We started slow: the merry-go-round, ferris wheel, some big pirate themed swing-a-majig, the inverter, then my first big challenge: the space shot. Basically a chair attached to a massive pneumatic piston that flung the passengers a bunch of stories skyward with a nasty hiss of air. it is not heights or speed or motion that bother me about 'rides'. rather the unnatural, awkward method they arrive to get you there. When you're driving or on your bike or climbing trees you're incomplete control of your motion. at least to some extent you can choose to continue or stop (though cases arrive where you are committed to an action, say an abnormally large hill or lost hand-hold).
In reality, the effects of simulated motion are not nearly as jarring as they would appear. In fact it was quite liberating - invigorating if you will. I loved it. We rode everything once then returned to some choice favorites through the day. I suggest The Outlaw at Adventureland. It has no inversions or loops, but steep curves and tall, tight, twisting hills blended within it's compact structure make it an intense ride.
but the day didn't truly take to whimsical flight until a sudden shower lifted our sun-dampened spirits. Actually, it drove most off the fun and into shelter or fleeing from the park. But we would not be deterred. truth is, everything is better in a summer rain. from coasters to swings. Also, the park's patrons dried up to keep wait times down. With camera at hand many moments were captured of this triumphant day though many more can only be shared in memory.
Last week I found myself unable to move from the bed in mornings. Paralyzed perhaps. Where before, eagerly i leapt from slumber to see each new day, recently I only wish to return to my dreamless purgatory. But last Sunday was different. I forced heavy limbs and moved to greet morning light (a pay check in need of cashing was of no little aid). I awoke with the birds and met the day. In impulse I whisked Ruby to a theme-park (Adventureland) where our bottled stress uncorked with cries of eager delight and fear as i faced mine: Rollercoasters.
Yes, dear reader, I've long had a knee weakening fear of metal tracks twisting and winding clamorously, tearing even, through an amusement-park. We started slow: the merry-go-round, ferris wheel, some big pirate themed swing-a-majig, the inverter, then my first big challenge: the space shot. Basically a chair attached to a massive pneumatic piston that flung the passengers a bunch of stories skyward with a nasty hiss of air. it is not heights or speed or motion that bother me about 'rides'. rather the unnatural, awkward method they arrive to get you there. When you're driving or on your bike or climbing trees you're incomplete control of your motion. at least to some extent you can choose to continue or stop (though cases arrive where you are committed to an action, say an abnormally large hill or lost hand-hold).
In reality, the effects of simulated motion are not nearly as jarring as they would appear. In fact it was quite liberating - invigorating if you will. I loved it. We rode everything once then returned to some choice favorites through the day. I suggest The Outlaw at Adventureland. It has no inversions or loops, but steep curves and tall, tight, twisting hills blended within it's compact structure make it an intense ride.
but the day didn't truly take to whimsical flight until a sudden shower lifted our sun-dampened spirits. Actually, it drove most off the fun and into shelter or fleeing from the park. But we would not be deterred. truth is, everything is better in a summer rain. from coasters to swings. Also, the park's patrons dried up to keep wait times down. With camera at hand many moments were captured of this triumphant day though many more can only be shared in memory.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Future Plans
I've been speaking of myself a lot lately but not of my actions. I'm focused on my immediate future currently. I haven't made any long term goals. Not really, to publish a book, write some articles, become more involved in academic discussions in a serious way. I have a college degree in English. That gives me the tools (both creative and analytical) to write, intelligently, about what ever I wish. Which is great, but I haven't found a subject that grips my attention. So, I'm going back to college. I enrolled as an undergraduate at the local college (ISU in Ames). I plan the study something and write about it. I will write what I study.
In the mean time, a great clamor has arose around me. I obtained a bright new (to me) desk and work table. My roomie and I are in the mist of their arrival's aftermath. papers and decor festoon the floors and hallways. the ever-present threat of dishes and laundry loom in the corners bringing shadows to productivity. Ants in growing number seek the spoils of mess. A battle against too worn closes rages with the sweat of summer days. So much to do and pretend to do.
Of which, the most important lies in the continued scrawling of a late-night reader. while usual state of affairs pushed me to post in the latenight/earlymorning hours, I seek to snuff my candle's vigil for sunlit tales. Additionally, I intent to reignite the stories of Mr. Wordy. with any luck and no small sudor a third of what is planned with come to success. Perhaps even plans them selves will be made.
In the mean time, a great clamor has arose around me. I obtained a bright new (to me) desk and work table. My roomie and I are in the mist of their arrival's aftermath. papers and decor festoon the floors and hallways. the ever-present threat of dishes and laundry loom in the corners bringing shadows to productivity. Ants in growing number seek the spoils of mess. A battle against too worn closes rages with the sweat of summer days. So much to do and pretend to do.
Of which, the most important lies in the continued scrawling of a late-night reader. while usual state of affairs pushed me to post in the latenight/earlymorning hours, I seek to snuff my candle's vigil for sunlit tales. Additionally, I intent to reignite the stories of Mr. Wordy. with any luck and no small sudor a third of what is planned with come to success. Perhaps even plans them selves will be made.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
