I have a pet rat. Her name is Panchu. She is ill and will probably not recover. It may seem strange to many people, that one might care for a rat but to me, she means the world. I have watched her aged this year. slowly, running less and less. Age is a bitter thing, it seems. Her bright eyes still look up with curiousity, anger to the cats, joy to me. Her wheel turns less and less each night. A mornful creeking reminder of the finite nature of all. now silent. Today was bath day. Panchu is a clean rat. she can wash herself normally, but sometimes it's nice to be held, to be scrubbed, to smell new, to be reminded of love - of what being cared for feels like.
  Bath day. I am reminded of certain  death and burial rituals that include washing the fallen.
She is so small. So wightless. so weak. I run a sink. warm. I submerge my fingers and comb her fine fur. She doesn't mind. even holds my index  for a moment. Panchu never had great love for being in water, though she can swim (fast, too usaully to the nearest escape.).  In my hands she touches the warmth. I am prepared for her to rush up my arm. with careful touch, I rub baby shampoo into her brilliant, white coat. She seems weary - a melancholy we share. Johnson and Johnson lathers nicely.  Two halloweens ago she clamored with engery. barely staying still long enough for a lather - let alone a second rinse.
  So tired.
I dried her without complaint. Once she would've pruned her fur untill it shined and immaculately white. Always running the dirtied paws over her ash coloured ears. I am told the colour difference on her head is common in hooded rats. There is nothing common about Panchu. Born with fur like snow, she loved to explore. Before we lived in Ames we lived in a place called Petsel pl apt 2. each morning she'd orchestrate a new escape from her cage. One such morning she found a a box full curious things. It was a box where I'd put some art supplies. Most charcoal and craypas. Naturally, she wondered inside where her paws became so soiled and dyed with dark inks and dust that when she cleaned them it stained her white head black.
  Outside dry, red leafs fall.

almost October.
crispy, fallen leafs
bright yellow and brown
Hugged warm in red fleese
jackets and blue sky
cluttered sidewalks
fill with harvest
spirits lift high in
glasses and song
the whisking wind stirs
empty branches stab
nights, wild, cold, and sweet 
a dusting of frost
reminds us again
almost October

I am watching brilliant SyFy channel Alice and Wonderland remake, Alice.

Because I cannot think of any else to scribe, in the next hour I shall transcribe my life.

Watching Alice. It is a SyFy original series remake of Alice and Wonderland by Lewis Carrol.
It is delightful.
I am sitting, legs crossed on the couch. A computer rests on the knees of Ruby. She watches intensely. Alice creeps about a low-light room. She looking for someone. op. It's a dreamsequence; she awakes to find herself in a forest.
Ruby is beautiful when she's concentrating.

Twitter
Faecbook!
Threadless.
new deals, I have 35$ in gift moneyes. Aw, they still don't have any new tees I love. however, this is interesting...
I ask Ruby if we she join the Tee-of the Month club from Threadless.
I think she agrees.
The cats slumber. Pepper stops by.  she is a shadow, silently sleek she drips through the house

-scene missing-

I awake. the coffee-rug hugs me. it is soft in the darkness. not as soft as bed and sheet. I attempt to lift ruby.
Slumber sapped strength... Instead rouse her with a kiss.
To Bed
to bed.

Cross Roads

1:38am sep 16 2010

Why keep a Blog?

I suppose I do it to maintain a frail connection to writing. To language. I loved language and literature. I enjoy analytical reading and discussing symbols and themes. writing too.

What happened?

I graduated. Nobody was interested in literary critiques or theory. I saw no jobs at the BA level -none, that is, that tailored to my interest. proof readers. I'm terrible at detail work. editing/publishing. I wanted something more academic. Teaching. I discovered that no place wanted some one with four-years of interdisiplary study with out teaching accreditation.

Why not freewrite? journalism, or fictional work?

Attempts at creative writing were abysmal. I found too quickly that I had no subject for which I had passion. perhaps I'm too high-minded, but I could not bring my self to write articles about thing for which I did not care. As it turns out, I am a stubborn wordcrafter too. I could start. But I never allowed myself to generate enough material to work with before I tried to revise it. Ultimately, I became discouraged. I convinced my self I was a terrible writer - a self-fulling prophecy compounded by my refusal to practice or even seek out side inspiration.

Is that why you returned to College?

I guess. I felt, after two years floundering and living off my parents' money, that i was most productive in the influence of an academic setting.

Did you want get a Masters in English?

yes, no. I wasn't sure what focus - what drive I had to justify further education. I didn't want to fall into the trap of continuing schooling for the lack of an other interest. I wanted to want to be in school.*shrugs* Truth is, I didn't try. I submitted one application -late- to University of Iowa. but mostly I was scared. scared to try. just like with my writings i was scared to put all that emotional effort - a significant portion of my being- to the judgment of the masses. My own fragile ego and insufficient self-esteem predicted my doom, my failure. In part, failure to find a job translated into failure to be accepted. So I took an easy way.
Another degree?
yes. I reenrolled as an undergraduate. at a school known for it's exceedingly low expectations. (but you didn't hear that from me).

You said you were scared. Is that the reason you choose Iowa State University?

No. By now I feel much more confident I my abilities. Actually, I found myself living in Ames because I was living with my love, Ruby. It was too late to apply for a postgrad position, you see. Nor did I find the opportunities at ISU that compelling.  Further, Ruby keeps talking about moving to Germany. I figured I could stay in Iowa for a year (two at most) and while I look for a nice Masters program, I could brush up the ol' GPA. and, hey, why not explore some other interests while I'm at it?

And how do you feel now?

Red, Red Wine

Stay close to me
I am fine.
Lemme clear my my mind.

communication
difficult.
Like a kitten in a box

I find it hard to get out