time to think

A lingering notion

Time has come for me to admit trepidation. this is the first time is a while I've used my outlets for expression - public expression.I will use this moment to shout cares ,concerns, feelings and what not without a Dam.
I feel lost - alone. I am tried all the time. My mind wonders not freely but in initially distracting ways
Today i drove to Des Monies to deliver my dear companion, Ruby, for her family needs her. Almost as much as she needs distance from them. she is so stabilizing - cooling. But her lack of ambition saps my respect. I often dream; of her. Her a lowly barmaid of sold daughter who is apt yet only desires a good husband and easy life. Courtier fodder or material of the "perfect (17th century) woman." In these haunting i see her desire only what she can grasp. I've seen this woman of prowess working geisha style singing melodiously on-high for the pleasure of brothel patrons when she could move the stars as an earthly siren. I feel worse to see that it is not ignorance (not impotence) of skill but a willful resignation that her sullied performances are the 'best' she can mange.


Enigma

I awake and realize my dreams are not wholly of ruby. I see reflection in each nightmare. Myself.
Wonder if not we are alike - two sinking stones strung together willingly in hopes of buoyancy are we to find only deeper waters? Can I bring myself to bear question? Is it i who built this gilded cage? perhaps if i did not she might fly in my absence. or that i might be cut from my own compliance, as well? I cannot. I cannot. Lest she sink deeper. It is my love; It is my concern for her that is my rock. And i am hers.

Query

Why not can i cut this chain? may hap it is the sheer devotion her for me that moves me day to day? or the light of inspiration that flares when she watches me? or the dampening feelings of insecurity she moves in me? perhaps it's enough to have written this.
someone close will read this and think.



-sorrowfully yours, Marcus