what's new is old again

I suppose today wasn't as terrible as it could've been.  I arrived to work late and sweaty; prefect for working with 500 degree ovens.I lost the five dollars i put in my pocket for dinner on the long ride from home to work. I was slightly late, just in time to tackle the hundered and ten dishes left from the previous night (i guess Ge-angelo's was busy last night). I don't even like eating off dishes. We had a fair night so i got to stay an hour late to clean up too. In addition, My teeth have been hurting, a more constiant reminder of my need for medical care. Fortunately, thats an easy fix as i've recently acquired insurance.

I sucked it in and confronted Ruby today as well. point blank I asked her if she loved me. I thought and raved all day and come up with a question i needed answered. I deserve to love someone who loves me back, I said. I am a strong, caplible person with a heart and needs and I need to know what this is. I didn't tell her (at first) that I still loved her. She answered quite slowly. She Answered in the affermitive. I love you, said Ruby. I'm worried, though, she continued, that it is a love of convenience.  Ok that wasn't exactly what she said. But she didn't need to. I can't remember the words to the letter, but basically Ruby feels conserned that we're together not due to Love but ease.

I'm not one who believes in Absolutes. There is a certain definiteness in saying "i love you." A suggestion that it is a love eternal. But how can we say that with assuredness? We are temporal creatures. we think, judge, love, hate, fight, hug all while advancing steadily through time. eventually we (as individuals) will cease to be able to live temporally. we die. no one can say what happens next (i'll cross that bridge when it arrives). Nothing is Absolute, including Love. I don't believe in Absolute Love - in fairytale love that lasts forever. I don't think there is exactly one person -a soul mate- for each other person on this plant. Love doesn't come in couplets (not always, at any rate). Love must be shared, dynamic. Love changes over time; waxes and wanes; it can grow or fade away. You can love some one today one way and love them still ten years later completely differently. don't dispare, though, Love is not fickle. Not mine. I don't know if this is True Love either. I know that when i look at her, my chi, my heart, my being feels relaxed - confident even giddy. (ironically, i think, one of the reasons she is unnerved as open to her every thought and action... i digress)

I won't pretend to know depths of Ruby's mind. She is beautifully complex. I suspect, however, that no small part of her anxiety is, in part, my Bisexuality. She fears (i believe) that because she is the first woman i've been involved with with any seriousness. that I'm only with her because it's easy.

Nothing i do is ever easy. more seriously, Ruby, if your reading, if i wanted easy i would've stayed at my job in Iowa City smoking pot when i wasn't working and never thinking outside the next party. I knew that wasn't the person i wanted to be. I'm seeking to change - to grow.

I don't know what's in the future. but i know i'm glad that you'll be with me, Ruby.

I Love You